


I didn't have a choice ~ Jegulus

by Remmyswife



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:27:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29980788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remmyswife/pseuds/Remmyswife
Summary: This chapter contains scenes of torture so please do not read if you are sensitive to that sort of stuff :)
Relationships: Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. The aftermath of the departure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains scenes of torture so please do not read if you are sensitive to that sort of stuff :)

Regulus Black was sat on the edge of his bed. Head in his hands, shaking profusely.

Sirius why. Why would you leave this all to me? Running away like a coward. Running away to the Potters, to the blood traitors. To James. With his stupid smirk and messy hair. Always ruffling it up to impress Evans. He would always be playing with that bloody snitch. He wasn't even a seeker.

These thoughts were interrupted with Orion Black barging into the room.

"Regulus, I need to talk to you." He lifted his head to look at his father; he would normally stand up but right now he was too emotionally drained. "We're are going to need to sort out marriage arrangements for you. I was-"

"Marriage? Are you crazy? I'm not getting married. I'm 14 years old for goodness sake." Regulus didn't know what overcame him nevertheless he continued to shout at his father "I'm not getting married or engaged. Why would you think that would be okay with me? Did you even think about me before those words came out of your mouth? Oh wait, you never think about me. Everything is about stupid traditions. It's not happening, I'm not getting married, ever."

"Regulus Arcturus Black, how dare you. I will not have you defy Black family traditions because you want to act like an insolent, little child." Orion had never raised his voice at Regulus before, he was even surprised when he found himself shouting at him.

"Exactly, I'm a child. Children don't get married, so why should I? Why should I become engaged at 14?" and then it all clicked in Regulus' head. "Oh, I see. Sirius is gone-"

"Don't you dare speak his name."

"Sirius is gone so everybody turns to me. I'm expected to marry and then join the Dark Lord. I'm expected to continue the Black family line. Well thats not happening." and with that Regulus hooked his cloak off the edge of his door, barged past his father, made his way downstairs and exited the house. Slamming the door as loudly as he could as he left.

Regulus astounded himself with the audacity of his actions. Never had he spoke back to his father, let alone raised his voice and refused to follow orders. He was turning into Sirius. Sirius would have turned down the marriage, so why shouldn't he? He didn't want to get married, especially at 14 anyway. He wasn't even of age. However, he should have sort of expected it, with Sirius gone and everything. All responsibilities fell to him. The weird thing was, even though he knew it was coming, Regulus never even though about possible marriage options. He had never looked at a girl and wanted to be with her. He had never dated a girl or kissed one, making marriage a step too far.

Regulus Black was quite far away from home by now. It was getting dark, but it was a peaceful sort of darkness. He was wandering around muggle London with no intention of going home. A lot of thoughts were racing around his head, marriage was the main one; there were a few others about Sirius and the rest of his family, they weren't in the forefront of his mind though. One thing in this situation was certain to him: he would not be getting married. On the bright side, who was there left to marry? Everyone who mattered was taken. Or maybe it was just the lack of attention he payed to the other gender which concluded him to think there was no one left. The idea of dating a girl, to Regulus, was absolutely horrifying. He couldn't think of anything he'd rather not do. He'd never liked a girl in that way, or anymore than a friend. Did he just not have feelings? He was only 14 but all of his friends had had girlfriends. What was wrong with him?

Regulus was shocked about his discovery of him not being normal. So shocked in fact he decided to turn around and head home. Before he even realised what he was doing, he was outside his front door. Kreacher opened it for him and he just ran straight up to his bedroom before one of his parents could see him.

"I will not be getting some mark to represent somebody who hates muggle-borns when muggle-borns are some of my closest friends." Sirius shouted at his father. Him and Orion were stood in the hallway of 12 Grimmauld Place having another one of their shouting matches. This was a normal occurrence in the house of Black, however something about this argument seemed different.

"Your friends? You're friends with mudbloods? You filthy blood traitor!"

"Yes I am and what are you going to do about it?"

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do about it, I will pull you out of that bloody school thats what I'll do." Sirius paused for a minute, that was a pretty big threat; in his mind anyway. Sirius did the only thing he could think about doing. He picked up his trunk next to him and shouted at his dad:

"Get out of my way!" Orion stayed rooted to the spot in front of the door "I said move"

"How dare you speak to me like that, I am your father"

"You're no father of mine." Regulus was watching this whole event from the top of the stairs. He was getting worried that this was going to get out of hand soon. And exactly as he thought that, the unthinkable happened.

"Crucio" Orion yelled. Sirius dropped down to the floor on his knees, letting go of his trunk in the process. He screamed out in pain. His whole body was shaking and contorting into different positions depending on where the pain was hitting him most. Orion re-fired the spell back at Sirius, this time stronger and with more anger. This time it seemed to really affect Sirius as he threw his whole body back onto the floor, this time screaming louder and louder and louder...

Regulus awoke with a start, breathing heavily and sweating. He leant over to his bedside table and grabbed his glass of water, gulping down the whole thing in one go. He was extremely lucky that he only had to watch Sirius go through that. He could only pity Sirius, how Sirius must be feeling right at this very moment. At least he was being looked after and had people around him that cared about him. That was all he could ever with for Sirius, thats what he deserved. He was brave and he deserved a reward. Especially after the way he had been treated for the past 5 years.

This thought comforted Regulus. He liked the idea of Sirius being looked after. He liked the idea he was safe. And with that, Regulus fell back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapter. It's not the best lol but I promise I am trying and I will get better :)


	2. You left me

The Black family approached the wall between platforms 9 and 10 with one less person this year. Regulus was the first and only to pass through the barrier, holding his black trunk engraved with the Black family crest. He made it to the wall and was so relieved to be free of his parents for a whole 'nother year.

Regulus kept his head down as he crossed the platform. He didn't want to bump into any of the pureblood Slytherins that might know about Sirius' dramatic escape extravaganza. He didn't want to answer any questions. He continued to plough his way through the ever-growing crowd until he made his way to the end compartment. Regulus stepped inside and into the corridor of the Hogwarts Express. He kept his head down, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. But this was a mistake in itself. Regulus turned around and as soon as he did he bumped into someone. This person was the first and last person he wanted to see at this moment, for more reasons than one. Regulus looked up to see Sirius standing there in front of him, only  
centimetres away. Behind him stood James.Oh shit, James. Well this was one of the most awkward situations Regulus had been, and I'm sure the same went for Sirius. He had two options, to ignore the fact that him and Sirius ever had this minor confrontation. Or, he could have the much needed conversation with Sirius that was bound to happen at some point in the near future.

Regulus grabbed Sirius' wrist and dragged him into the nearest empty compartment. Sirius seemed to put up no protest whatsoever, and sort of just followed him into it. James started to follow the two but Sirius merely turned around and shook his head at him; that was enough for James to turn around and leave.

They stood there for a few minutes, in silence. Peering out of the window every so often or randomly running their hands across either the walls or the chairs. The train started to move and parents were waving at their children, and some younger kids and toddlers chased the train from the platform. As the train journey continued, neither still said anything. Many people passed the compartment, but didn't dare come in. If you saw the Black brothers together, nobody would dare go near them.

"I remember" Sirius started. Both brothers turned to face each other "back when I started at Hogwarts, you were one of the children chasing the train, waving me off."

"Yeah, i remember that too. I hated the thought of you leaving me all alone. It scared me a lot as a child." Sirius let out a small chuckle.

"Well, lets be real, what 10 year old wouldn't be scared of being left alone with Orion and Walpurga? I certainly can't think of one."

"You were always brave. You weren't scared. Or you never showed it at least."

"Well if you show them that you are scared, you've ultimately lost the battle, haven't you?"

"What battle?"Regulus questioned.

"Oh, you know, just the on going one between me and my pathetic excuse for parents. Well, I sort of forfeited that battle when i ran away didn't I?" At that moment, everything seemed to go quiet. Any background noise that was perviously there had evaporated into thin air. The whole world around them almost stopped. Regulus didn't think that the two words ran away would have this affect on him, but they did. Not only did they bring back memories from that night, they also brought back the feelings of utmost betrayal he had felt through Sirius' actions. It was almost as though Sirius had read his mind. "Look Reg, I'm sorry I left you behind. I'm sorry I didn't ask you to come with me. I was just confused about where you stood with everything. I really-"

"You're confused about where I stand with everything? Or is it just that I'm your Slytherin brother who doesn't break any rules and just follows his family's expectations. You just think I'm some fucking suck up to our parents. You think I just follow all of their orders because I want to. Because thats what makes me who i am. Well let me fill you in. I don't want this life, and there was my one chance for me to escape and you pushed me away. I'm not some bloody goody two shoes who is trying to follow every rule and be perfect. I was just trying to make life a little easier for myself, and now I'm trying to get away from that, but I can't. You're lucky. You got your escape when you were eleven and you met James. He's helped you and turned you into a better version of yourself. Who do i have? Who is there to help me and save me? Because you certainly aren't. You left me when I needed you most. you left me to help yourself. You didn't even think about me." Regulus lowered his voice to almost a whisper. He had been shouting up until now. "Sirius, I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you got away. But I'm now trapped in this circle I don't want to be in because you weren't there to help me. Some brother you are." Tears were streaming down both of their cheeks, but neither of them noticed. They were still hanging onto every last word Regulus had said.

"Reg-I-"

"Don't waste your breath Sirius" and then Regulus marched out of the carriage, and he wouldn't stop walking until he got as far away from Sirius as he could.

Right at this moment Regulus was at his most vulnerable. He had shared his emotions and for what? What was he expecting to gain from this? What did he want Sirius to do? He didn't have an answer for any of these questions. So he just wiped his tears away and refused to let anymore go. He put his stern expression on as he walked into the Slytherin occupied carriage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this chapter probably makes any sense because I was writing it when i was tired :/ Sorry about that lol.


	3. It's impossible to read Regulus Black

"Hey Reg, where have you been?" Evan Rosier shouted from halfway across the carriage. As soon as Regulus heard his voice, he looked up from the floor and walked over to where Evan was. He was sat there with two other boys, Elio Wilkes and Perseus Avery. Regulus sat down with them. Almost everyone in the Slytherin carriage was looking at Regulus, and this time it wasn't just because he was a Black.

News seemed to spread amazingly quickly about Sirius' departure no matter how hard the Black family tried to hush it up.

"So, what happened between Sirius and your-" Evan started but Regulus cut him off.

"Could we not talk about it?"

"Why?"

"Because I said so." Evan was taken aback by the fact that Regulus had turned down a conversation with him. Maybe it was a sensitive topic or maybe Regulus was just being an anti-social twit.

In the meantime, Regulus got out his DADA textbook for this year and started to read it while the others chatted. Regulus cared quite a lot, sometimes too much, about his education. He wanted to be an auror when he left school and also, just the thought of doing well in all his exams was enlightening.

While Regulus was reading, he was picking up a few words of the conversation around him. The phrase The Dark Lord seemed to intrigue him so he decided to put his book down.

"So Perseus, will you be getting the dark mark?" Evan questioned "Because I will be." he said arrogantly, as though he were proud of himself.

"Yes I most certainly will be. Elio and I have already discussed about how when we are old enough we will pledge our loyalty to the dark lord, haven't we?"

"Yeah, we have. What about you Reg?"

"Oh, of course I will be. I'm sure thats what is expected of me anyway." There was a waver of uncertainty in his voice, but the other three boys seemed not to notice. To be honest, that uncertainty was real. Regulus knew that when the time came he would have to get the mark. This was what he wanted least of all. Really, he wanted to stay as far out of the war as possible. But if he did have to fight, he would want to fight on the same side as Sirius, not against him.

However, there was no doubt that Regulus would never be allowed to pick what side he would fight on. His parents would make the decision for him. The problem was, he knew they would pick the Dark Lord's side. Regulus would have to fight as a death eater. Whether he liked it or not. Orion and Walpurga seemed extremely insecure about their lack of control over the whirlwind that is Sirius Black. Regulus knew this was why they tried to control his every living moment. And there was no escape for him.

**********

The start of term feast was always one the best parts of the school year. The food was delectably tasty and there was always a lot of it. Sadly, the feast was always postponed due to the sorting ceremony, which Regulus found utterly boring and a perpetuous waste of time. Couldn't this be done after all the older students had left? It was absolutely not entertaining in the slightest unless you are taking part, which you only get to once. But the main problem for Regulus was that it was highly inconvenient due to the fact he was excruciatingly hungry.

He was trying to find ways to pass the time, like counting how many students there were in the Great Hall or seeing who would be critically injured if one one the walls were to cave in at that very moment. Nonetheless, a personal favourite of his was replaying arguments in his head to see what he could have said or done better. First it was the argument he had with his father about marriage. He thought that he would have got his point across better if he just wacked his father in the face with his cloak as he walked out of the door.

Next was the argument with Sirius he had on the train earlier that day. There wasn't really anything he wanted to change. But then again, he was still pretty angry with Sirius and at that moment there were no repercussions for his previous actions.

Regulus glanced across the hall to where Sirius was sitting. He could only see the back of his head though. Out of the corner of his peripheral vision, he could see a pair of eyes staring at him. He turned his head to look at whose they were.

The pair of eyes belonged to James Potter.

Regulus felt his stomach go over on itself. He felt his cheeks warm up and a fluttery feeling of joy filled up his entire body. This was a sensation he had never felt before. James was sat there, almost trying to read Regulus; but Regulus was a completely closed book. He was a book that had a boring and plain front cover, just like the rest of them on the shelf. However, when you open it up, it's remarkably different to what you expected, there is so much more going on inside the tedious book. James being James wanted to know how Regulus was feeling. He had heard about the argument from Sirius, every single last word of it, or so he thought. James wanted to read him and understand him. But with people like Regulus that was very hard to do.

They still hadn't broken eye contact. They were still staring at each other. Both boys were staring for different reasons though. Regulus was because he wanted to keep the butterfly feeling going in his body. He had no idea why James made him feel like this but he did. And James was staring because he was trying to comprehend everything that was going on in his crazy little mind. He was having no success though.

Suddenly all the food popped up on the table and everyone tucked in, including Regulus and James. It was like nothing had just happened.

Food was priority.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would end this chapter will a very important message. Food is always and will continue to be my priority. Don't put anyone before food, okay? :)  
> Also my friend has just enlightened me with the news that I have been spelling regulus' mothers name wrong. My bad lol.


	4. The pain of being judged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some of the characters being homophobic about others. Please do not read if you might be affected by what is said.

Regulus' dormitory was exceedingly neat compared to what you would expect a 14 year olds bedroom to look like. He shared his room with the boys he sat on the train with: Perseus Avery, Elio Wilkes and Evan Rosier. It was 2:35 in the morning and all of the boys were awake. They were just lying in their bed waiting for someone else to say something. While Regulus was waiting, he was doing a lot of thinking. A lot of thinking about James. About how he made him feel. And why he made him feel like that. But even after hours of pondering over that thought, he still couldn't put his finger on it.

"Reg what are you doing?" Evan asked while pulling back the shiny, green curtain on Regulus' bed. He invited himself inside and sat down. Regulus had to pull his legs right up to his chest, they weren't tiny first years anymore. As Evan sat down, he pulled away the curtain to reveal the bed next to Regulus'. Elio and Perseus were sat on it. It was even more of a squash on their bed (Elio was incredibly lanky, the bed could hardly fit the length of his body onto it. This was why Perseus was sat on the very corner, curled up in a ball).

"So Reg, have you heard about your brother?" Evan asked.

"What about him?"

"Oh, so you don't know."

"Well obviously not." He retorted back to Evan. The other two boys were just sat there watching them.

"Reg he came out."

"Came out of where?"

"He's fucking gay you moron."

"He's gay?"

"Yeah he is with that Lupin boy. You know, the one that was his best mate or whatever."

"Oh. Well I don't really care. I don't have anything to do with him so why should I care if he is gay?" This was in fact a lie. Regulus cared more than he should. He wanted to talk to his brother and tell him he is proud of him for being himself. He wanted to support him and be there for him.

"Stupid queers. If you ask me they're almost as bad as the mudbloods." Evan said. This made Regulus feel sick. It was almost as though he had been punched in the stomach. That was his brother he was talking about. How dare he. But Regulus knew he couldn't defend Sirius, or else it would get back to his parents.

The other two boys were nodding in agreement with Evan. Regulus had now zoned out completely, he did not want to listen to what his stuck up friends had to say about people like his brother. It was awful and it made Regulus' blood boil that people could talk about others like that with no remorse whatsoever. He went back to thinking about James. Because at this point in time, James made Regulus feel estatic.

It was about half an hour later when Regulus realised how tired he actually was. The other three boys were in deep conversation still, and Regulus had been pretending to listen. He finally spoke up.

"Look guys, I'm getting really quite tired now, so how about we call it a night?"

"Oh okay, just let me move back to my own bed, don't want to end up like you brother, do we?" Evan said while standing up.

"Yeah, course not."

**********

Regulus, Evan, Perseus and Elio had all just finished their Care Of Magical Creatures class. Regulus was now off to Potions and the other three were off to Divination. There was a quick exchange of goodbye's and see you later's and Regulus was walking through the dungeons alone. He was again in deep thought, about last night and what the other boys had said. That was all he could think about so far today. Were they right about Sirius being stupid and irrelevant? But surely they weren't, because you can't help who you fall in love with. If Sirius liked guys and not girls then so be it. What difference did it make? He was still the same Sirius he was two years ago.

Because Regulus wasn't concentrating he bumped into somebody for the second time this week. He looked up to see James Potter staring back down at him.

"Er-hi-"

"Hi Reg." James said. He seemed way to optimistic for his own good.

"Sorry about that."

"Oh it's fine, don't even worry about it."

"Oh okay, good."

"Well i'll see you around then." Regulus just nodded his head. James turned around and started to walk the other way.

"James." Regulus called out after him.

"Mhm." James turned back around and walked towards Regulus. Regulus' stomach did a full on backflip as he caught James' eye.

"Is it true about Sirius?"

"Is what true?" Suddenly James became very defensive.

"Is he gay?"

"Yes he is and if you dare say anything bad to him or about him you will have me to answer to. So don't you even dare." Regulus was significantly taken aback. He was just asking. Did James really think he would make fun of Sirius for something he can't control? Is that really what James thought of him?

"James I would never.." but his voice trailed out and he started to choke back his tears. James was already walking down the corridor and away from Regulus.

Regulus never thought that someones unspoken opinion would ever matter so much to him. But James' did. The fact that James thought he would make fun of his own brother because he was gay hurt him a lot. Probably more than it should have. Regulus felt frustrated. Frustrated because nobody understood him. Everyone guessed his thoughts and intentions and they were always wrong. All Regulus wanted was for someone to understand how he felt.

He couldn't go into Potions feeling like this. On the verge of tears. So he turned around and walked back out of the school. He kept walking until he found a nice, big tree on the edge of the forest. He sat behind it and cried. He just cried.

Why did everyone judge him? It wasn't just James, it was everyone. He couldn't help being a Black or a Slytherin. Regulus was convinced he wasn't a bad person, why couldn't anyone else understand he wasn't bad? Why couldn't anyone understand that he had good intentions?

No one understood him and he hated it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know what to put here. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter I guess :)


	5. The sudden realisation

It was dark when Regulus awoke. The sun had gone down and it was a lot colder now than when he had fallen asleep. He was still outside, sat at the foot of the tree with his school bag next to him. Regulus had quite obviously missed the rest of his lessons for that day, how could he let himself fall asleep like that? The cold breeze picked up and sent a chill through his veins. It was freezing. Regulus was too preoccupied with picking the dirt off of his hands to notice the footsteps coming from behind him.

"Reggie, my boy, I'm so happy to be the one to find you."

"Oh hi professor. Why were you looking for me?"

"Well you've been missing from lessons almost all day. And you didn't come to lunch or dinner. We were all worried about you." Professor Slughorn explained. He was a weird sort of man, with fluffy grey hair. He had always liked Regulus from the moment he walked through the school doors and was sorted into Slytherin. The professor had said to Regulus on one of his first days I was unlucky to not get the first Black brother, but it's okay now because I have you. Which made Regulus feel like a second option.

"We?"

"Oh, well most of the professors having been looking for you. And your brother and his friends. Sirius was like a tornado, turning the school upside down to find you. Along with the Potter boy, he was frantic, saying it was all his fault you'd ran off."

"Oh." Why had James been looking for him? He didn't care, did he?

"What are you doing out here anyway? It's painfully nippy."

"It wasn't cold earlier."

"Lets go inside now then, shall we?" At that moment two other pairs of footsteps came running towards the forest.

Sirius and James emerged from behind the tree. They just stopped and looked at him as though he were alien. It was silent, until James decided to speak.

"Look Regulus I'm sorry I snapped at you this-"

"You did what?! You didn't say anything about this earlier!" Sirius whisper-shouted.

"Not now Pads"James said. In doing so he placed his hand on Regulus' shoulder. Regulus completely froze up. He couldn't move. "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve for me to loose my temper at you. It's just I thought you might've had the same point of view as the other Slytherins. I'm sorry again."

"Oh, um, it's fine." Regulus was still frozen to the spot and James' hand was still on his shoulder. He knew he had to pull away but he didn't want to. He liked James' grip, it made him feel a sense of safety and security. Two things he longed for. He also longed for someone to tell him everything was going to be okay. He longed for someone to understand him. He longed for someone to make him happy. He longed for that someone to be James. Then almost everything clicked, he wanted James Potter.

Regulus pulled out of James' grasp and speed walked back up to the castle. There were so many thoughts flying around his head. He was trying so hard to convince himself he did not like James Potter but there was a little voice in the back of his head contradicting him. Anyway, how would he know if he liked James. It's not like he had any sort of experience in developing feelings for others, so how would he know. Exactly, he wouldn't. This was probably just some strange phase he was going through and it would all be over soon. But what if it wasn't some phase. What if he did actually like James? That would make him the same as Sirius. That would make him everything his friends hated. That would make him gay. In Regulus' mind, that was a scary thought, because he would never be able to openly share his feelings due to his parents finding out, and his friends finding out, and the rest of his family. Regulus knew that there was only one way to figure out his true feelings. He needed to talk to someone. Someone who had experience with liking people and dating. Someone he could trust.

**********

Dear Cissy,

I am very sorry to bother you with this letter, but i trust you more than anyone else at the moment and you are the one person I can confide in. I need your advice on people. More specifically liking people. Liking people more than a friend. How do you know if you actually like them? What sort of signs does your body give off? And how do you know that that person is different from everyone else?

Also, how are you and what is it like being married? I hope Lucius treats you excellently.

I sincerely hope this letter finds you well,

R.A.B

Regulus knew he hadn't told Narcissa the whole truth, but from a very young age he knew that you could never tell anyone the whole truth without it coming to stab you back later.

**********

Early the next morning,Regulus went up to the Owlery to send his letter off. It was so early that once he had posted his letter he got to watch the sunrise from the Owlery. He had never appreciated the pure beauty of Hogwarts until now. The way the sun shined through the different turrets and trickled out onto long, green landscapes of grass. It really was pleasing to the eye. He watched his owl fly off into the distance until he could see it no more; and then he went back down the stairs and across the grounds in Hogwarts in a very good mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, it isn't very long but I didn't know what else to write lol.


	6. Boggart

It was one week later and Regulus still hadn't got a response from the letter he sent to Narcissa. He was trying hard to be patient, but in reality, he was loosing his mind. He wanted a response now. He didn't know what the outcome of the letter might be or what would change but he just wanted to hear someone else's opinion. Regulus hadn't spoken to anyone really at all in the past week, except his teachers and dorm mates when they became unavoidable. He didn't want to talk to anyone to be honest. Regulus had actually managed to scare himself into not talking to anybody; he had convinced himself to think that every time he opened his mouth he might reveal his deepest secrets. And now he didn't really want to talk, at all. Even though he knew he would have to speak or hold a decent conversation eventually.

At this point in time, Regulus was making his way to his Transfiguration class. When he arrived there he saw that everyone from his class had disappeared. Yes he was late, but was he that late? He walked into the classroom and saw a big note scribbled on the blackboard: Professor Mcgonagall is absent today, please proceed to classroom 3C for an extra DADA lesson. Regulus was very optimistic about this as he loved DADA. In fact, it was his second favourite subject to Potions. But he only really liked Potions because he was favouritised by Slughorn.

He made his way down the corridor to the classroom, he was at least 10 minutes late by this point. And one thing about Regulus was that he did not like being late. Regulus pushed open the door to the classroom to reveal double the amount of students in there than he expected to be. It was DADA with the 5th years. This was not good. Not just because his brother was in the class, but because it was Gryffindor and Slytherin. And classes that contained both Gryffindor and Slytherin never ended well. All of the students were gathered in the centre of the room, with all of the tables pushed aside. As he closed the door behind him, every pair of eyes turned to look at him.

"Ahhhh, young Mister Black, how nice of you to join us." Professor Keys, the Defence teacher said. "We all thought you'd done another runner."

"Well maybe if you continue to make jokes about serious issues in my life I will." Regulus retorted. Every single person in the room was shocked that Regulus had spoken back to a teacher. He had even shocked himself.

"I guess that will be 10 points from Slytherin." He said while turning away from Regulus. "Now shall we begin?" Regulus just rolled his eyes as he went to put his back in the corner, away from everyone else's.

"Today, seeing as we are having a joint class, I thought we would do something fun. Can anyone guess what is in the cupboard?"

"That is a boggart, professor." Lily Evans stated in a matter of fact tone. Regulus hated Lily because she was such an insufferable know it all. There was definitely no other reason.

"Very good Miss Evans, 5 points to Gryffindor. Does anyone know what a boggart looks like?"

"No sir. Nobody knows what a boggart looks like because it is a shape shifter. It takes the form of whatever a person fears the most." James answered confidently. Regulus didn't seem to mind when James pretended to be a know it all. He actually loved it and it made him blush, even though what James said had nothing to do with him.

"Very good Mister Potter. Another 5 points to Gryffindor. Now seeing as you know so much about boggarts Potter, you can go first and be our example student." This didn't seem to waver James' confidence in the slightest. He stepped out of the crowd and in front of the cupboard and waited for Professor Keys to open it. The professor looked over to James.

"Ready?"

"Yep." And with a flick of the professors wand the cupboard door flew open. Almost instantly, 5 bodies rolled out onto the floor. Lifeless. They were the bodies of Sirius, Remus, Peter, Regulus and Lily. James was as still as anything, taking in the sight in front of him. Most of the people were horrified by the scene of massacre in front of them. The bodies were there until James regathered his courage to cast the spell. Riddikulus and all of the bodies were turned into a load of Filibuster Fireworks that now flew around the room and exploded.

Next up was Sirius, his boggart turned into himself. However, there was a slight difference. This replica Sirius was wearing a long black cloak and had a smirk plastered on his face. Not a mischievous smirk, an evil one. He rolled up his sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark branded on his left forearm. The real Sirius clearly wanted to get this over with quickly. He produced the spell and the boggart turned into him in a pink frilly dress, which made everyone laugh hysterically.

Regulus was at the back of the queue, alone, watching everyone else have their turns. Although, he wasn't really watching. He was too preoccupied with the thought of James' boggart. Why was James' biggest fear Regulus being dead? He didn't care about him so why would he care if he died? It was probably just something to do with Sirius Regulus thought he probably doesn't want me to die because it might affect Sirius.

There were quite a lot of spiders, clowns and sharks. No ones boggarts were really that interesting unless it was one you couldn't understand. Take Remus' for instance. His was a glowing orb and nobody, except his close friends, knew what it meant.

It was very nearly the end of the lesson and Regulus was the last person in the queue. He had already pleaded with the teacher not to let him have his turn. But the professor was having none of it. Regulus being Regulus was still trying to hold off his appointment with the boggart by talking to the professor. However, Keys saw right through him and told him he would loose 75 points if he didn't get on with the task right at that very moment. Regulus didn't want to have a go with the boggart for obvious reasons. There were endless possibilities of what it could turn into: his mother and father, The Dark Lord or him with the dark mark. Yet, nothing could prepare him for what his boggart actually turned into.

The boggart shifted into the biggest fear of his next victim, which happened to be Regulus. There in front of Regulus stood James Potter. He looked over to the side to see if this was a prank, but the real James was still stood in the same spot he was previously stood in, looking just as confused as Regulus. Everyone was looking between Regulus, boggart James and real James with utter astonishment. Regulus turned to face the boggart as it walked towards him. He was completely mortified, he couldn't bring himself to raise his wand. His arms were glued to his side. Then James started to speak.

"You're just like the rest of your family. You're evil. You only want to hurt people. You're the worst sort of person and nobody likes you. You're-"

"Regulus the spell" Professor Keys almost shouted.

"R-riddikulus."

"Class dismissed!" The professor then turned to Regulus "will you stay behind a moment, I want to ask-"

"No. No I will not stay behind as of your say so. Because everything you have told me to do so far has gone horrendously wrong." Everyone that had turned to leave before this had turned back around to watch Regulus. To everybody else, he had changed. And it was not in a good way. He was a mess, arguing with teachers and not talking to anyone. Regulus was constantly distancing himself from the people that cared about him.

Regulus went across the room, grabbed his bag and stormed out of the class. 

He could hear footsteps behind. He didn't care though, Regulus just wanted to get away from everyone that had seen his boggart. Especially James.

"Regulus! Regulus!" It was Sirius and he was running after his brother, trying to catch him up. "Regulus stop!"

Regulus was so angry. He was so embarrassed. He just wanted to leave, to runaway and never be found. How would he live this down? He was so infuriated with himself. How could he let his worse fear be James? Sirius was still chasing him and calling his name. This was annoying Regulus to the point where he thought he might explode. So he did the only thing he could think to do to get Sirius off of his back.

"Stupefy" Regulus shot the stunning spell straight at Sirius. Sirius only just dodged it, the spell had taken him by surprise.

Regulus kept shooting different attacking spells and curses at Sirius. And Sirius kept deflecting them. Regulus was strong, but Sirius was a whole year older than him and had learnt spells Regulus hadn't even heard of. Regulus was taking all of his anger and pain out on Sirius. When he looked back on this next moment in the future, he would sorely regret it.

"Petrificus Totalus." This spell hit Sirius square in the chest. Sirius completely froze and fell backward. Regulus instantly regretted what he had done. He had just attacked his brother. He attacked Sirius for no reason. He was going to go and help him but a crowd of students and teachers were coming up behind him. So he just ran, faster and faster to get away from the scene. He could hear the professors calling out after him. He just ignored them and kept running.

He didn't know what else to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a train wreck, I know. I'm so sorry if it didn't make much sense to you because it didn't make much sense to me either. In my head, Regulus' emotions are a mess and that's why this chapter is a mess. Thats my only reasonable explanation. Okay bye :)


	7. Stepping back from reality

Hiding away from the real world is always the best way to gather your thoughts. Hiding is calming and it takes away the pressure of having to pretend you're okay. Hiding gives you time to think over your problems and hopefully find a resolution. Even if you don't find a resolution, it's nice to take a step back from reality and breathe.

However, hiding isn't always the best option because at some point you have to come out. And coming out can sometimes be more painful than hiding away. You can't hide forever. You can't runaway from your problems and then hope everything is going to be okay. Because let's face it, your problems will never just disappear; you have to be the one to be brave and solve them. No matter how laborious it is.

There will be hard days and difficult problems to solve, but they don't last forever.

Regulus Black was sat right on the edge of the astronomy tower. The only thing stopping him from falling was the railing going around the outside. The wind was blowing through his hair and pushing it back out of his face as he looked up into the unclouded sky. Regulus wasn't really thinking about anything, he was just focusing on his breathing. Trying to calm himself down from earlier, he'd done an amazing job. He didn't want to think about the boggart or James or Sirius or anything else really. Regulus just wanted to clear his mind and focus on nothing. He felt so relaxed, so calm. The last thing he wanted was to go back downstairs into the corridors of Hogwarts, he knew he had to eventually though.

Just then a large, brown barn owl flew down to where Regulus was perched on the edge of the tower, and dropped a letter on his lap. He turned it over and instantly recognised the handwriting. It was from Narcissa. Regulus had sent a letter off to her asking for advice. However, he now felt that he didn't need it. He already knew that he really, really liked James, no matter how much he cared not to admit it. Regulus did feel a moral obligation to open the letter though, mainly because Narcissa had taken the time out of her day to write back to him. So he did. He peeled the wax seal off and opened the envelope extremely carefully, as if something would jump out of it and bite him. He pulled the letter out and started to read it.

Dear Regulus,

Thank you for writing to me. I have missed you dearly. Everything is great with Lucius and life is rather pleasurable. Now thats all you need to know about me, I'm here to talk about you anyway. Has little Reggie got himself his first crush? I have always been so excited for this day. What a lucky girl she must be to have the heir to the Black family fortune falling for her. I take it she is most likely a pureblood Slytherin, because thats the only sort the Blacks are after.

Now Regulus, you didn't need to ask me the question 'how do you know?' because if you are having to ask that then you most definitely like her. And for 'what sort of signals does your body give off?' well I suppose there are the butterflies and getting nervous around her. But it might be different for you because you are a boy.

My conclusion to this is, you probably do like her, thats why you are asking me these questions. Anyway, best of luck with your special woman.

Sending love,

Narcissa Malfoy.

Regulus re-read the letter three times. Bold of you to assume I like a girl he thought. He was grateful for Narcissa's advice, but what did it change? Nothing. It changed nothing. The only thing it had told him was that he did like James. He already knew that though.

He thought about James. Wondering how he must be feeling after seeing Regulus' boggart turn into him. If the roles were reversed, Regulus would probably be extremely confused and want to stay as far away from James as possible. Thats also what he wanted to do now. And thats what he was currently doing. Hopefully, James wouldn't become inquisitive and ask Regulus as to why his boggart had turned into him. Mainly because Regulus didn't even know himself. He really had expected it to be the dark mark, or his parents. Not James. At the same time though, maybe this was why he had pleaded with Professor Keys, because deep down he knew that the boggart would turn into James.

Then he thought about Sirius. About how Sirius had chased after him, calling his name in a beseeching tone. It was unlikely that Sirius wanted to make fun of Regulus after seeing his boggart, Sirius had seen how much distress Regulus was in after the boggart incident, so the last thing he would've wanted to do was make fun of him. And Regulus knew this. He couldn't quite understand why he had lashed out at Sirius, but a guess was that he was angry and Sirius was the closest person to him so he took the hit. He sincerely regretted it though. Because maybe if he hadn't attacked Sirius then Sirius might have taken him somewhere quiet and calmed him down.

Regulus didn't know how long he had been up in the astronomy tower but it must have been a while because his stomach was growling. So he got up and started to walk down the stairs. He was heading towards the kitchens because he couldn't hide forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was sort of just a filler but I needed to fit Narcissa's letter in somehow.


	8. A chapter with the headmaster

Regulus was left undisturbed in his way down to the kitchens. He had passed a couple of people on his travels but nobody had even looked in his direction. Once he was there he tickled the pear which lead him into the room. As soon as he entered, around a dozen house elves cams rushing towards him with food, each holding a different assortment of sweet and savoury snacks. Regulus sat down at the edge of one of the tables and took a sandwich from one of the elves grasp. Even though he knew there were at least 100 house elves watching him at that moment, he could feel a pair of eyes lingering on him that weren't meant to be there.

After his stomach was satisfied, he got up and left the kitchens. He only just made it out of the door before he was stopped by Professor Dumbledore. He was stood there, looking down on Regulus, due to the significant height difference. His long white beard was draping the floor and Dumbledore was wearing his usual blue and purple patterned robes, with his half-moon spectacles. There was a knowing aura that surrounded him, as if he could tell Regulus' deepest thoughts.

"Good evening Mister Black, I thought I would find you here. In my past experiences, I have realised that hunger always brings a person out of their shell. I assume you are full now?" Regulus just nodded. "Good, good. Well, seeing as we both have nothing better to do, do you mind if we have a little chat?"

"Not at all." This was, in fact, a lie. Regulus was planning to go and sulk in his dorm room. But from the way Dumbledore spoke, he wasn't asking Regulus to come and have a chat, he was telling him.

He followed the headmaster up to his office. When they got there Dumbledore spoke the password, sherbet lemons, and the gargoyle opened up to reveal a staircase. As they climbed the stairs, Dumbledore turned to him and said:

"Make sure not to tell anyone the password. I would like to keep it a secret." Regulus just nodded, he had nothing to say to Dumbledore. Although, he had brought this upon himself by attacking Sirius and bunking off of lessons for the majority of the day.

The professor towards a seat while saying sit down, so Regulus obeyed. Dumbledore took a seat around the other side of the desk and the interrogation started.

"I assume you know why you are here."

"Yes."

"Regulus, what you did today was ill-considered and completely out of character." Regulus just continued to look at Dumbledore. He didn't say anything because he didn't think that it was required that he did. "Is there anything bothering you that you need to tell me?" Instantly, Regulus knew that there was plenty of stuff bothering him. There was the engagement that his father was setting up for him. Sirius leaving him behind after running away. Figuring out he like men. His newly found obsession with James. Being forced into joining the death eaters when he turns 16. Running away from lessons and fighting with teachers and other students. And last but not least, his boggart. But none of that he wanted to say to Dumbledore.

"No" he said tonelessly.

"Okay Mister Black, are you sure?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well seeing as thats the case, you seem to have no motivation for your actions, except merely causing mayhem. You will serve detention once a week for a month with Hagrid."

"Okay." Regulus had only ever had 1 detention before now. He was late to his first lesson in his first year, it was McGonagall who had given him the detention. He knew it was because she didn't want him to turn out as bad as Sirius. Regulus got up to leave, but turned around when the headmaster cleared his throat.

"One last thing Mister Black." Regulus quirked his eyebrow up. With Dumbledore, you could never tell whether what he was going say next was going to say next was positive or negative. This time though it was negative. "If this happens again, we may have to consider your position on the quidditch team."

"Well it won't happen again."

"I should hope so. Good night Mister Black."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the lousiness of this chapter, it's so bad I know. Anyway, hopefully the next chapter will be better.


	9. Detention with Hagrid

Detention with Hagrid started the next evening. Regulus was on his way out of the common room, when he was stopped by Evan Rosier. Evan came walking up to him, calling his name.

"Hey Reg. Regulus. Regulus wait."

"Look Evan, I have places to be. So if you don't mind, could you go away."

"Where are you going?"

"Detention."

"What did you get detention for?"

"You know exactly what for."

"Oh, attacking your brother."

"Yep. Right, I'll see you later." Regulus said while turning around.

"No, wait. I have something for you, a letter from Slughorn."

"Oh okay, thanks." Regulus snatched the letter and walked out of the common room. He was not in the mood to converse with Evan, he just wanted to get his detention over and done with. He started to open the letter but that was postponed when he turned around because he could hear footsteps following him.

"Evan."

"Regulus." Regulus rolled his eyes at his.

"What are you doing?"

"Following you."

"Obviously, but why?"

"Bored."

"Bored? Go and bully some first years then or something." Regulus turned on his heel and walked off. Evan followed him.

"Who have you got detention with?"

"Hagrid."

"Gross, that filthy half breed. He shouldn't even be allowed to work here, the fat oaf. Why are you even bothering to go, it's Hagrid for goodness sake. You shouldn't have to take orders from that dirty piece of scum."

"I'm not taking orders from Hagrid."

"Who then?"

"Dumbledore."

"Well why are you taking orders from that crackpot old fool."

"Because I go to his school" he said tonelessly. He really did not want to talk to Evan. Why couldn't he take the hint and let Regulus avoid him? "Look I am here now, so you have to go."

"I'll see you later." Evan said while walking off.

"You won't if I can help it" he muttered under his breathe.

**********

Regulus' detention had finished around 45 minutes ago. He had had to go into the forbidden forest with Hagrid to help feed the bowtruckles. He had quite enjoyed it if he was being honest. Hagrid told him they would be doing a different maintenance activity every week; and now he thought he ought to get detention more often for two reasons. Firstly, he gets to spend time with the creatures in the forest. Secondly, and most importantly, he got to be away from everyone.

The letter from Slughorn had only consisted of an invitation to the Slugclub, which Regulus had expected anyway. The Slugclub was a rather boring party for posh purebloods (occasionally halfbloods and muggleborns) that were either talented or had famous parents. Regulus hated it. But turned up to keep Slughorn on his good side.

**********

Regulus was sat in the Great Hall three weeks later on the day of his last detention. It was breakfast and he still had a whole day of lessons before his meeting with Hagrid. The previous two detentions had consisted of nursing a hippogriff back to health and releasing pixies into a deep part of the forest.

The Great Hall wasn't very full that morning. There were just a few students dotted here and there. Regulus was sat at the Slytherin table munching on a piece of toast while reading the Daily Prophet. Nothing new except six muggles were killed at the hands of dark forces.

All of a sudden, Regulus felt drops of water on his head. He looked up to see a whole storm brewing on the ceiling of the Great Hall. He then looked at the Gryffindor table to see James and Sirius discreetly pointing their wands up at the sky.

He rolled his eyes, muttered an incantation and an umbrella sprung from his wand. Everyone else was running around the Great Hall like mad men. Sirius ran out of the hall with the rest of the crowd, leaving James on his own. The reason he had ran out was because he had just seen McGonagall walking in, and she did not look happy. She was stood at the door to the hall with a stern expression on her face. She looked at James and shouted:

"DETENTION MISTER POTTER AND 50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is just another filler chapter. The next chapter should be entertaining of I still wright what I have planned.


End file.
